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  • 當前位置:首頁 > 美文閱讀 > 親情文章

    父親,我就是你生命的延續

    時間:2018-08-29  來源:網絡  作者:張志浩  有:人讀過該文章

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    父親,我就是你生命的延續

    文/張志浩

    做過6年外科醫生,11年法醫。應該沒人懷疑我見慣了各種尸體。我坦承遇到交通事故部分遺體只能用鏟子鏟起來,或者是夏日河道中漂浮的尸體腐敗到巨人觀的模樣,我會有些想吐,但是,僅僅是想而已,我沒有真的吐過。

    而且,無論尸體在別人眼中有何種含義,但對法醫而言,它只是一個證據,而且,不是人證,是物證。不信你去問任何一個學法律的,看我的分類有沒有錯誤。

    不過,任何事情都有例外,我唯一的一次例外,是對我自己的親人。

    父親是06年被確診肝癌的。我很清楚這意味著什么。半年的平均生存期。我知道一切努力都是白費,我還是給他找了亞洲一流的外科醫生,在他腹水壓迫劇痛難忍的時候,也曾經一天4個、5個白蛋白的靜脈注射,如果他能好一點,哪怕稍微好一點,我會帶他出去走走,我很感謝老天奇跡般的賜予了我們半年多的平靜期,那半年父親和沒事人一樣,于是我們經常去沒去過的地方,吃沒吃過的東西,我很快樂,他也很快樂。

    但是,躲不過去的事情最終你還是無法躲過的。08年十一我回家,發現父親有肝性腦病昏迷前期的表現。父親得病以來,我無數次痛恨過我是學醫的,對父親的病情我其實完全無能為力,也許我的醫學知識唯一能起到的作用是,預見父親病情的發展,從而將我的苦痛翻倍:第一次是我預見到他的苦痛將要發生的時候,在他的痛苦還沒有真正出現之前我就預習了他的痛苦,而第二次是他的苦痛真的到來的時候,對他的痛苦我總是能做出最清晰的判斷,從而對他的苦痛感同身受。

    也許這一次是一個例外。那天晚上我在想。我很清楚晚期肝癌患者導致死亡的四大并發癥:消化道大出血,肝癌結節破裂,肝昏迷和嚴重感染。如果我的確沒法讓他繼續活下去,也許我可以幫他選擇一個痛苦最少的死亡途徑,何況機會就在眼前,真的昏迷了痛苦也就應該不存在了吧。

    我在醫院的走廊徘徊了一夜。那一晚我沒停止過觀察父親的病情。所以等我第二天和醫生談話,簽字表示放棄治療的時候,我很清楚父親已經從肝性腦病昏迷前期,在幾個小時內快速的越過昏睡期而直接進入了昏迷期,我很安慰,我相信此時對他而言痛苦已經過去了。

    而且,還有個發現我沒有對醫生說,父親現在每分鐘有2-3次早搏,我相信那是電解質紊亂導致的心律失常,也許等不到肝性腦病奪走他的生命,一次偶然又及其必然的心跳停搏,就可以安靜而毫無痛苦的讓一切了結了。

    我不知道的是,對他而言痛苦已經結束,對我而言,折磨才剛剛開始。

    父親的身體非常好。我指的是,除了肝癌之外他機體的其它部分都很健康。甚至因為每天游泳兩公里的緣故,他的體型都保持得非常好,我指的是腹水出現之前,現在大量的腹水讓他的腹部比孕婦還要膨隆,難忍的脹痛是他輾轉反側,徹夜難眠的原因。

    我當然想把腹水放出來,非常想,可是我不能,因為就算放出來也用不了幾個小時就會重新充滿,這個時候他的血管和到處漏水的篩子沒什么區別,而且,腹水只不過是它的名字,它的成分和血漿沒有什么大的區別,有誰又能禁得起每天失去幾千毫升的血漿呢。

    所以父親的心跳就在肝昏迷和早搏的狀態下堅持跳動了一周,整整的一周。對我而言那是怎樣的一周,怎樣的168個小時,怎樣的10080分,又是怎樣的604800秒啊。每一秒我都在質疑自己中渡過,我不能確定自己是對的,我懷疑自己是不是太殘忍了,也許奇跡還會再一次發生,他還可以堅持更長的時間,我很清楚,父親其實是被我活活餓死的,是我殺死了自己的父親。

    我時時注意著他的脈搏,每一次他早搏的出現,都可以讓我的心臟同時停止跳動:我在祈望它停下來,就讓一切結束,一切痛苦都成為過去吧,但在內心,卻有一直有另一個聲音在呼喊,堅持下去,爸爸,奇跡總在再堅持最后一下的努力中出現。

    所以毫不奇怪,我是最先發現父親心跳停止的人。我沒有哭,實習生來做心電圖發現有不規則曲線的時候,我其實很想發火,果不其然,等他的指導老師來后,發現不規則曲線發生的原因,只是導線和皮膚接觸不良。我甚至拒絕了醫生做毫無意義的胸外心臟按壓,雖然最想做胸外按壓的其實是我自己。

    我找醫生要了一個桶,還有一根連著橡皮管的針。我知道,現在我終于可以把腹水都放出來了,就是它們,這些腹水讓父親如此的痛苦。

    然后,我拿出來準備好的襯衣,還有西裝,我知道放掉了腹水,身材不再走樣的父親,穿上去應該很精神。

    我還知道,要是想把西裝整整齊齊地穿好,好到一絲凌亂的折痕也沒有的話,最理想的辦法是將死者翻過身來,臉朝下雙手向后反剪,然后將兩只袖子同時套進去:那是給逝者穿衣的最佳方式,特別是身體開始僵硬了以后。

    但是我不愿選擇這種和文革坐飛機類似的姿勢,那太痛苦了,生前,病痛折磨他還折磨得不夠嗎?我的解剖知識給了我第二個選擇。我坐在床上,和父親面對面,然后雙手摟住父親的腰,將他環抱著坐起來,就如同熱戀中相互偎依的兩個情侶那樣。

    父親的體溫還在延續,只是心臟已經不再跳動。他一周沒有刮臉,胡子扎在我的臉上有些許輕微的刺痛。我讓他的頭靠在我右邊的肩膀上,就好像他還沒有去世,只是在我的肩頭稍事休息,我的胸口和他的胸口貼在一起,我感到他身體的余溫,正緩緩地向我傳遞。

    我沒有哭,只是淚水在無聲的滑落。我在心里說:

    父親,我就是你生命的延續。

    版權聲明:以上文章中所選用的圖片及文字來源于網絡以及用戶投稿,由于未聯系到知識產權人或未發現有關知識產權的登記,如有知識產權人并不愿意我們使用,如果有侵權請立即聯系我們,我們立即下架或刪除。

    (責任編輯:沙拉美優)
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